Keep on, Keeping on

Mike asked me if I wanted to get some fresh air. We had plans to go to Wing Wars that day. I was going to work, while Mike ate and drank with our friends. Eventually, I would join in. We had already made plans to celebrate our frozen embryos. When was I going to learn?

We never went to Wing Wars. Instead, we packed up the pup and drove to Smithville’s Nature Reserve. We’ve walked the reserve once before when Sasha was really little. We actually got really lost. We thought we were on the right trail the entire time, but somehow we missed a turn or two. We eventually found our way back to the car, but never completed the trail we initially started.

We gave it another shot the day of our bad news. Perhaps you remember this Facebook post?

Michael has never been afraid of this journey. He’s always been so accepting of it, and confident even during the darkest times that it would all work out for us. I remember being filled with so many thoughts and emotions during our walk around the reserve. I had so much I wanted to say to him, but I couldn’t find the right words. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his strength. At the same time, I wanted to question him. I had yet to see him sad. Was it because I did not give him the chance? Was I not there for him? My head was clogged. I was desperate for some sort of release. When I got home, I started to journal. It became my own personal dose of therapy. Every time I shut my journal, a piece of me came back, and it was stronger than the piece that was taken from me. I remember the first time I read my journal to Michael. He just stared at me while I read aloud. I was giving him direct access to my every thought. I was finally able to express my gratitude, and most importantly, I was able to free up room in my head to be able to talk to him out loud about all of this. It allowed us the opportunity to have serious and deep conversations about our thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams of the future. He was proud of me, and encouraged me to keep writing.

A few days later you might of noticed another Facebook post:

On this particular morning, I attended a Firefighter’s convention at work. I was asked to take photos of inspirational speaker, Jason Schechterle. Jason’s story was nothing like mine. His was way worse. He was a former police officer, that had the craziest near death experience, and survived. He is a living, walking miracle, and his story is one of the most inspirational stories I have every heard. One thing he said, that I now repeat to myself on a weekly basis, “Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it.” How true is that? I left that convention motivated beyond words. That was the day I decided, with Michael’s stamp of approval, my journal would someday become a public blog. I thought to myself, if I can somehow, someday help one person going through this, then this will all have been worth it.

Suddenly this journey had purpose.

I want to have the answers to confused questions. I want to be the person people can count on for prayers. I want to be the honest words of encouragement, the voice of reason, the story of hope. Above all else, I want to be around to see other women’s struggles turn into beautiful miracles.

My journey has left me with good days, bad days, and confused days. There were days I have been angry with God. Days I thought about giving in. But there’s a reason I never did. Still to this day, I am reminded in physical and spiritual ways, failure is not where this story ends.

So to all of you reading, to all of you who choose to reach out and lean on me for whatever it is you need, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for being the reason I have and always will choose to keep on going.