The First Trimester

After five ultrasounds, and hearing my baby’s heartbeat three times, you would think I’d be able to confidently share the exciting news, yet I still find myself whispering to people that I am pregnant. The day we announced on social media, I was shaking. I’ve wanted to be at this point in my life for so long, but I’m still unable to get there. I am still unable to fully embrace the fact that I am pregnant. I am slowly coming around, but it’s been hard. I’m used to taking two steps forward and four plus back. For weeks, I have been so scared to fully own this knew chapter of my life, because I’m afraid once I do that, it will all be taken from me just like that. I know how negative that sounds, but it’s just where I’m at. As more time goes by, I feel less guarded. I’ve been talking to my baby multiple times a day, and telling him/her how proud I am of their strength, and how excited I am to meet him/her. I can officially see a bump, so I know growth is happening, and day by day it’s become more real.

Getting discharged from my fertility office at 8 weeks was incredibly emotional. They knew everything there was to know about me. They were there through every up and every down. They cradled me through everything, and the idea of going out into the real world, where I knew it would be different, was terrifying. My OB recognized this, and made me feel as comfortable as he could. He spent time answering all of my first time silly mom questions, and never once did I feel rushed or silly for asking them. The second time I saw him around 12 weeks, I asked him when would I finally be able to breathe easy. He very well knew what I meant, and chose to answer in the most sincerest way, “Never. Welcome to Motherhood.” He was right. There is always going to be something to worry about from this day, until my last. I will never stop wanting what is best for my child. I will never stop wanting to protect him/her from any harm.

My first trimester started off a little rough. In the first two weeks of finding out I was pregnant, I got a terrible 24-hour virus, and I had what we think was a cyst rupture, which landed me in the Emergency Room. Michael and I were lying on the couch ready to start an episode of Game of Thrones, when suddenly the worst pain of my entire life came about. I could hardly speak, it was that painful. Michael called our Doctor, who encouraged us to go right to the ER and I refused. I was so afraid to go and be delivered bad news. I thought for sure I was either losing the baby or it was an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully, it neither. By the time I was able to get a vaginal ultrasound at my fertility office the reminisce of whatever bursts had dissipated, which made it difficult to accurately diagnose.

The weeks that followed were fairly easy in terms of symptoms. My boobs got bigger, (still growing - please stop) I was a walking zombie, (fortunately, I am starting to get some energy back) and I had a huge appetite (still huge, and my ass does not appreciate it). I had no sickness whatsoever! I couldn’t smell garlic, but I could eat it. I suddenly despised avocado and shrimp, and became a huge fan of pancakes, waffles, and just about any other carb out there, especially pizza. You can add cereal and sweets to the list of favorite cravings as well. I’ve been very lucky, but I’ve also had one alarming symptom that not many women get, and that’s spotting. When I think of spotting, I think of little dots here and there. What I experienced my first trimester, was nothing close to that. TMI, I know, but it’s important for people to know it happens. My ‘spotting’ meant the entire piece of toilet paper I wiped with was filled with blood. If I wiped two or three more times, there would be the same amount. Five times over I thought the worst, even when the doctors assured me I was perfectly fine, because I was not experiencing any cramping. I quickly learned it was the baby’s way of telling me to cool it. Anytime it happened, I stopped everything I was doing, put my feet up, chugged water, and took it incredibly easy for 48 hours. It’s the scariest symptom of them all, if you ask me, and for some women, it continues throughout their entire pregnancy, simply because they have a sensitive uterus. It scarred me in ways. There’s never a time I go to the bathroom and don’t check what’s on the toilet paper, even at 3AM. Thankfully, it’s slowed down a lot for me, and while, I appreciate all of my symptoms, because it’s my daily reminder that a human is growing inside, that’s one symptom I can most certainly live without.

Everything else, as I’ve said before has been textbook. Every week I stand in front of a mirror and take bump shots. Every Monday, I am so excited to open up my Bump App to see what fruit my child is being compared to, and every day I think back to what we went through to get to where we are now. I can feel myself walking away, but not fully letting go. I often think if I am going to have to go through it all again when we decide to have another baby. Someone once told me it will all be a distant memory some day, and I believe that. As hard as it was, still is in many ways, I am grateful for this journey. I appreciate the strength it has given me, Michael, my family, my friends, and my little peach, who next week will be a navel orange.