How Can I Help?
Advice for those of you supporting a loved on trying to conceive
Be available. Be mindful. Be Kind.
I was very fortunate with my support group. My friends and family were amazing considering they had no idea what to expect, or how to respond. I remember two friends on two different occasions asking how they could be there for me, and I told them they were doing it by just being there. It’s not easy to just be there for someone, especially when you cannot relate to what they’re going through.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t always what I needed, or wanted to hear. I had people close to me, that didn’t know how to react, and their knee jerk responses made me feel horrible. It wasn’t their fault, they didn’t understand, but it’s important for those of you looking to be there for someone to take note.
The very last thing you should say (despite what you think) to someone going through fertility treatments, is to relax. “Don’t stress yourself out.” Those types of responses is what stressed me out. It made me furious. People going through this, are very well aware they are stressed out. It’s freaking stressful. There is absolutely no need for the reminder to relax, especially from someone who has no idea what it’s like.
Instead I’d like to suggest the Aunt Donna approach. My favorite reaction to this day was my Aunt’s. My mom already confided in her and told her what we were going through, but she never once reached out to me. She waited for me to tell her. On the morning of the Royal Wedding, we woke up at the ass crack of dawn to watch with tiaras and mimosas. Aunt Donna came over to join us in her PJS. I was having a tough morning, because I had to RSVP no to something I really wanted to go to, but between all of my appointments, and not knowing when my next IUI was going to be, the timing was just all off. Aunt Donna could tell I was “having a moment” and asked if I was okay. In the middle of Harry and Megan exchanging their vows, I broke down. I wasn’t okay. I told her Michael and I were struggling, and she sat there pretending it was the first time she was hearing it. She came and sat next to me and held my hand until I was done sharing. She then gave me the biggest hug, and left the room so I wouldn’t see her crying (I did - she just doesn’t know that). This was the most powerful response I received. With just one hug, she let me know that she was there for me, for whatever I needed. Sometimes it’s not about saying the perfect thing, sometimes, it’s just about being an ear for someone and showing them that no matter what happens, you’re still going to be there in their corner. Aunt Donna has always been good at that.
My other advice is to be patient and understanding. Give your friends and family the right to be selfish, to miss things you would never even dream of missing. They are going through a lot, and that doesn’t mean what you’re going through is not important, it is, but they’re under enough pressure, and they feel enough guilt. Just know that some day / some how when the dust settles, they’ll make it up to you.
Don’t be afraid to check in. You will know right away if your friend or family member is going to be open about the journey, or closed off. If they come across like they want to talk about it, then don’t be afraid to text or call and ask how they’re holding up. If it seems like they’re having a bad day/week, find a way to be a distraction. My friends would occasionally go behind my back to ask Michael how I was doing, and then surprise me in the smallest of ways. As I said before, I am fortunate enough to have a strong core of people on my side, that were true champs when it came to lifting my spirts.
It’s scary to open up about the journey, because we don’t want to hear the obvious: Comments about our age - whether we are young and have time on our side, or we’re getting up there, and shouldn’t of waited this long. We don’t want to be reminded that it could always be worse, because we know that. Half of the things you are going to want to say, we know. So my advice, if you’re going to take on the roll of being there, don’t state the obvious. Commit to just being there, and know in your heart that it is, and always will be enough.
NOT HELPFUL
DOESN’T THAT COST A TON OF MONEY?
I COULD NEVER GIVE MYSELF SHOTS
MY FRIEND TRIED 7 ROUNDS OF IVF AND THEN CONCEIVED NATURALLY
YOU’VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME
WHOSE FAULT IS IT?
WHY NOT JUST ADOPT?
IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD
HAVE YOU TRIED “INSERT AMAZING IDEA”?
YOU CAN HAVE ONE OF MY KIDS
JUST RELAX
HELPFUL