Halfway

It’s been a while, and I have been so excited to come to this space and share the latest. So much has happened. The blog went live with a video that I posted on my Facebook page, and life really hasn’t been the same since. I’ve had over 1,000 visitors read just about every single chapter of our journey, and the video… well that has been shared hundreds of times. It’s been the most beautiful experience. To everyone who reached out with words of encouragement, support, positivity, I thank you so much. To those who have trusted me with their own individual journeys, and has allowed me to work with them as a mentor, thank you for believing in me. I am so humbled by it all, and sincerely grateful.

I reached the 20 week mark. We are halfway, and all I can think about is how fast time is going. It’s so ironic, because it feels like yesterday when I was watching the clock tick, wishing my life away, so a new cycle would arrive and I could “try” again. It’s mind boggling how time can feel like an eternity one second, and a flash the next. Someone once told me this experience would one day be a distant memory, and here I am, telling my sisters TTC the same thing.

Pregnancy has been very kind to me. It’s truly the best I’ve ever felt. Maybe it’s because I am finally medicine free. Maybe it’s because I am just one of the lucky ones. Whatever the reason, I’m on board, with little to no complaints. I’ve still had my fair share of struggles though. I am still traumatized by my first semester’s spotting episodes. I can’t go to the bathroom without searching for a speck of blood. As good as everything is going, I'm still guarded and scared that at any given moment things could go awry.

I’ve also been struggling with allowing myself to feel every bit of happiness that comes with becoming a Mommy. Every time I go to post an update, or share a baby ultrasound picture, I think about all of the women I know trying to conceive. I know how happy they are for me, but I still can’t help but think I’m pouring salt in their open wounds. I know what it feels like, when everyone around you is posting pregnancy photos, baby photos, back to school photos, and there you are, with another negative stick in your hand. Just because my miracle babe is growing inside, does not make me numb to what those moments are like, and that’s made sharing my new milestones difficult.

My second trimester is really only just getting started, so I will of course have to post an update as time goes on, but what I can say is it’s been my favorite so far. I can feel those ‘flutters’ everyone’s been talking about. The first time I felt the baby, I thought my phone was on my stomach vibrating. By the time I registered the feeling, the baby had stopped. I bawled my eyes out. It was the coolest thing I have ever experienced, and it just brought everything we went through to fruition. It was so surreal… Literally, an eye opening, holy shit, I am growing a human inside moment. My little wiggle worm has been non-stop ever since. Some days people can feel him or her, others it’s just me that can feel it. I love seeing people’s faces light up when they feel the baby for the first time, but I love it even more when the baby is telling me a “secret” (Those moments where only I can feel him or her). I’ve been hoping to see little babe in my dreams again, but I haven’t. My one and only vivid dream as many of you know by now, I dreamt of a beautiful little girl, but my motherly instincts say it just isn’t so. I keep thinking this little sweetheart is a boy. Who knows? 50/50 shot, right?

My 20 week appointment was magical. I was once again amazed by the ultrasound technicians, doctors, and the technology they work with on a daily basis. We saw every part (except for the goods - that would giveaway the sex) of our baby. Everything was perfect. Hands, feet, face, organs, everything. We even got to see our baby in 3D and 4D, despite our baby’s every effort to block the camera. We must have been interrupting nap time. (Get use to it sweetheart, this Mama is a picture taker). The appointment filled my heart with so much joy and love. I feel my heart growing every single day. I honestly didn’t think I was capable of loving someone this much. I love my husband, my family, my friends, and my fur babies, but nothing compares to how in love I am with this baby, and I haven’t even been able to make eye contact yet. The appointment was pure perfection, but the overall day turned out to be rather challenging. It was a beautiful and such a positive experience, one I waited patiently nine weeks for, and despite my every effort to focus on nothing but how great of an appointment we had, I found myself distracted by unfortunate and negative circumstances circling around me. My friends were getting hit with more negative results, my beautiful neighbor was fighting a losing battle to cancer, a friends dog had to be put down, an upcoming trip of ours turned into a big question mark, and on top of all of that we decided to take on multiple house projects, all of which seemed to be halfway or 3/4 of the way done, with no finish line in sight. I became so overwhelmed with emotion, and my pregnancy hormones did not know how to process or respond to any of it. I wish I could go back in time and turn my phone on “do not disturb” first thing that morning. Everything that was happening around me, was out of my control, and there was nothing I could do to make any of it better for anyone. Feeling helpless has always been my achilles heel, and on a day I will never forget, a day that should have been filled with nothing but celebratory smiles, laughter and positivity, that’t exactly how I felt: helpless.

I broke down. Totally lost it. And once I got it all out, I was reminded by multiple people that the only takeaway I needed to focus on was our healthy growing baby. They were right, but I still wasn’t able to turn off what I was feeling inside. I felt for everyone struggling in that moment, and wished so badly (selfishly) that none of it was brought to my attention on our special day, but when I finally had the time to pray and reflect on why it all happened this way, this is what I came up with:

Time. It always circles back to time. There are days that will drag on forever, and days that will go so fast, you wish you didn’t blink. There are people who have all the time left in the world, and others fighting for one last breath. Every minute of every day someone’s life changes for the better, and for the worse. Someone gets a positive pregnancy test, another gets a negative. Someone comes home with a puppy, another puts their dog of 14 years to sleep. Jobs are found and jobs are lost. Babies are born at the same exact time loved ones are lost. It’s constant. Time is constantly moving. On the goods days, we are moving in the same direction with the wind at our backs, and then there are those days we find ourselves going against the wind. Those days will never be easy, but even on those days we have to try to find the time to pause and reflect on what it is that keeps us going. On our worst days, there is still so much to be thankful for, and I refuse to forget that.

I am thankful for God’s way of bringing it all to my attention. I am thankful that on a day where the universe tried like hell to bring me down, I was able to end it with the joy and love that started my day. It didn’t take much. It was just me, alone in my car, staring down at a black and white picture of my life’s greatest accomplishment. It took a ‘moment’ of my time to feel grateful for everything I deserved and more. And just like that, I felt the most rewarding/reassuring feeling… those tiny miraculous always perfect timing flutters.